What it's really like to be a parent...

2WEEKS POSTPARTUM

You can count on leaky nipples, washing your hand multiple times in an hour and staying in your pjs!

There is nothing quite like being a parent. You'd think you know what it feels like if you have a pet, you think that they can be fed on schedule and given the right amount of attention... WRONG!
Babies are very dependent and needy and will most certainly let you know that something isn't right albeit they can't actually tell you - you have to be a mind reader or go through a mental list; hungry? tired? need changing? need a cuddle? uncomfortable?

I had it in my mind from the beginning that babies need a lot of attention and cuddles and will often need feeding on demand and will cry a lot, but when you experience it first hand yourself, there's no other way to deal with it other than panic a bit then sort the baby out, often that means completely ignoring yourself and your needs to attend to the needs of the child. Dinner has gone cold or eating 1 handed has led to peas and carrots on the sofa and showering isn't a daily thing anymore, it's more of when baby is quiet and asleep so you can trust nothing will happen in the next half hour or only being able to shower at 5pm at night only to be puked on again and having to change your top for the second time in an hour. 

As far as how I'm feeling - it's been a journey I never thought much about until now.. Because Quinn was born early - little lady didn't want to wait for her due date - which are approximate anyway, I didn't really have time to get into the mind set 100% that I was having a baby! Everyone talks about how 1st born's are late and all that so I assumed (silly me) that she would be the same, so when I was having contractions for real, I didn't believe it until we went to the hospital *see previous post for details*

I was 37 weeks and 6 days pregnant when she was ready to be born - I still wanted to do things around the house and I wanted to get my Christmas shopping done so I could relax when she was born - that didn't happen and if I'm completely honest, I felt like I ran out of time to get prepared so when she was born I felt so out of my comfort zone because I didn't around to do the things on my mental to-do list. It's not just me who has felt like this, I'm sure plenty of mums all over the world have felt like they didn't get everything done in time.

It took me 3 days to fully adjust and fall in love her. I'm really not alone with this either. My body had gone through so much but my head wasn't 100% with it. I had gone through an 8 hour labour and delivery, with only gas and air for the last hour, I was resting in hospital for 1 night and only had 2 hours sleep while there, the midwives were checking on us, and made sure I knew how to feed her. Kurt went home to sleep and so I felt a little lonely and very alert to all the noises in the hospital and all the noises Quinn made! Kurt had been doing his super dad bit and was holding her, changing her and cuddling her while I rested in hospital after the birth, which meant I didn't really get a look in on my own baby! When we got home Kurt continued to do most of the work, which meant I felt like I only fed her and that's it! I didn't get an instant bond with her! She's still a Daddy's girl, even now! 

I did feel a lot of anger towards Kurt (blame the hormones).. He did ask me how I was as he noticed I wouldn't really go near her on my own and wanted to continue to clean instead of rest! I confided in him with tears running down my face; "I need to do this stuff myself, I need to be a mum but you're taking over". His reply was a hug and him saying that he wanted to take care of us all and let me rest and I've had her for 9 months now it was his turn to be there for her. 

Does that make me selfish or does that make him sound like a saint? 

I fully understood his reasons but how was I meant to get to know her and bond with her if all I was to her was a source of food? We even had a few problems with that too, which resulted in Kurt insisting we bottle feed her and he bought SMA milk for newborns - the premade stuff to tide her over, which made me feel even worse about myself - I knew she needed to be fed but the more pressure I had from everyone including Kurt, I felt like I couldn't perform...
By the 3rd day we got over all of that and Quinn fed properly and for a long time, the sense of relief and an immediate bond literally grew over night! I definitely know I'm not alone with this feeling too!

Mummy stats;

• Pre-pregnancy weight: 8st 2lbs
• Pregnancy (at the very end) weight: 9st 12lbs
• Day 1 after birth weight: 9st 7lbs
• Day 5 after birth weight: 8st 10lbs
• Day 10 after birth weight: 8st 5lbs

Bearing in mind I was ALL baby, you couldn't tell I was even pregnant!

Baby stats;

• Birth weight; 7lbs 7oz
• Born; 9:16am 28/11/15
• Music playing when she was born: Top loader - Dancing in the moonlight (on the radio)
• Delivery: SVD (standard vaginal delivery)
• Weight 4 days after birth: 6lbs 13oz
• Activity: Very expressive, can follow with eyes slowly, loves music and noise 
• Weight 1 week after birth: 6lbs 15oz
• Sleep: 3 hours approx
• Feeding: On demand - 10/15mins each breast
• Schedule: Nope!
• Weight 10 days after birth: 7lbs
• Length 10 days after birth: 50cms

Must haves and tips;

• Tops with easy pull off arms, like vests!
• Maternity bras or sports tops
• Hoodies with zips - so you can keep warm while still feeding
• Breast pads... Leaky boobs aren't nice!
• A manual breast pump is a very good idea, other people can feed baby (Kurt loves to be involved)
• You DON'T need fancy sterilizing equipment - just sterilizing tablets and hot water is fine!
• Keep the rooms in your house around 18/19 degrees.. Not too hot, not too cold!
• A nappy disposal bin is one of the best purchases! Less hassle & trips to the bin & no smell!
• Keep antibacterial hand soap in the bathroom, you'll be touching baby & dirty nappies & then touching doors and other items - Don't be afraid to buy soap that have moisturizing properties too, hands get chapped!
• Let family help out, it seems silly to say, but we can feel like we need to keep the place tidy & do the washing, let them take a load off - literally!
• There's nothing easier than pre-made food! Just make sure it's NOT take away! Shop bought lasagne and chicken ready to go in the oven is better for you than greasy food!
• Keep taking the pregnancy vitamins- they've still got a lot of power to help boost your mood and vitality after baby!
• Its OKAY to still be in your pj's since last night! 
• You'll still be bleeding after having your baby, Maternity pads are bulky but they are more than sufficient to soak up the blood, normal sanitary pads aren't as thick and aren't as absorbent for this much blood.
• You DON'T need branded products for the breast pads or maternity pads. Shop brand ones are brilliant, much cheaper!
• Try to have your 3 meals a day & a healthy snack! You need feeding so you can feed baby!
• It's very beneficial to leave the house even for an hour or less, it keeps you feeling refreshed and more able to cope with the crying once you've had a break out of the house.
• Do let your boyfriend/husband/partner be very invloved! It's better for everyone! Little things around the house, letting you have time to shower, changing baby while you sleep.. ect!

Hope you enjoyed this blog post! I've certainly have had a memorable 2 weeks so far! It's a whole other experience that people try to tell you about, but can never put into words.. I almost can't describe it either!
~Ellie xoxox

It's the most wonderful time of the year... (sort of!)

Good afternoon beautiful people!

I cannot express how much I'm looking forward to Christmas with my little family! But it's bitter sweet..

The only thing that would make me feel 100% complete would be having the chance to speak to my Dad again & tell him everything that has happened since he's been gone & see him react to being a grandpa.. Unfortunately my Dad passed away 4 years ago on Christmas Eve. It was the 1st year I'd not spent Christmas in South Wales with my family - I had taken up the offer to go to Abu Dhabi for Christmas with my boyfriend & we stayed with his family - At the time his Dad was working there & it seemed like an amazing opportunity.

 

(Above pics - Kurt & I, Kurt's 2 sisters & I, and the family Christmas tree)

I made plans with my family 2days before I flew out so I could open their presents to me in front of them & my Dad was there, but hadn't been well at all, he was getting on a bit..
(my parents are older parents, both in their 60's - my sister & brother are in their 30s, which makes me the youngest, mum had me when she was 40!!) 
He had few nasty falls and at the time he had broken his wrist being silly, trying to do jobs outside in the dark! My parents divorced when I was 9 years old, so our family dynamic was different..
Anyway, he wasn't well and left pretty early, but that was the only time I got to say goodbye to him - sometimes it doesn't feel real that I left him behind - he did insisted that I go on this trip and have a good time, little did I know I was emailing him for the last time and letting him know all what I got up to - I was away for 3 weeks in total and came back to the UK on the 27th of December... That was a horrible flight home.

In the mean time, My boyfriend, his parents and 2 sisters & I went out for Christmas dinner on the 25th, in an amazing hotel and it had so much food, everything you could think of.. There were so many decorations and Christmas trees and each table had Christmas crackers... It was sunny, so glamorous, but it didn't feel at all the same to me, no matter how fantastical it looked. We ate so much, drank a fair bit & when it was around 4pm UAE time me & Kurt decided to go back to his parents house, he was too hot & I was feeling homesick.

 (Above pics - Christmas dinner in the hotel, Kurt & I, & the most expensive Christmas tree of 2011 in the hotel lobby!)

I Skyped my family on Kurt laptop & the news came out..
Mum: Kurt, I want you to hold Ellie and love her and comfort her, okay?
Kurt: Sure I'm here, she's been wanting to get hold of you guys.
Me: Yeah mum I'm here, how's Christmas in Wales.. We've opened presents and had our food already.
*I was showing them some of the gifts I had & they played it cool*
*silence fell and something didn't seem right*
Me: what's the matter what's going on?
Mum: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you & your not even here...
Sister: Dad passed away, Elle. Tessa (my Dads gf) found him at his house.
*Uncontrolable sobbing and utter shock*
I knew deep down there was something not right and felt so bad I'd left them behind and kept telling Kurt before that "what if something happens to my dad and I'm not there" - he'd asked me a few month before to go with him to Abu Dhabi..

I couldn't have controlled what had happened, no-one could. My Dad was supposed to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and when she didn't hear from him like usual, for a goodnight phone call, she drove to the house and found him outside.The coroner had ruled that he could've technically passed away in the very early hours of the 23rd, but when he was found they wrote it was the 24th. His heart and lungs had stopped at the exact same time and that he didn't feel anything. The report said that even though he smoked since the age of 14, his lungs were in "good" condition, but his body couldn't cope with whatever & he collapsed. I feel sorry for his Girlfriend who found him (we keep in touch now, still) but she was in so much shock, she didn't believe it, she wrapped him up in a blanket and my sister called that night because that was also their scheduled night to talk on the phone & when his girlfriend answered so panicked muttering "Omg he's cold, he's outside, what do I do".. My sister drove to his house, only to find the police and ambulance everywhere.

This year will be incredibly different. We all, as a family mourn every year on the 24th, we all try to think of the positives of his life, but we find Christmas so different. Especially the 1st year he'd been gone. That was so hard.

(Above pic- Dads plaque - he was cremated, his ashes scattered at sea - he was a keen fisherman!)

Now, 4 years on, I'm engaged and a Mother & I've passed so many milestones unfortunately my Dad wasn't there to see it all happen.. I just hope that now my baby has come, that we all find peace and truly soak in the miracle that I have, rather than the deceased. I hope it to be a happier time rather than depressing...
My heart goes out to other peoples' families who've lost someone, important dates like birthdays' and Christmas will always be hard. The people who don't have a family at all or had to leave them behind in another country.. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

The one thing that pushes me on to think positively is that there is so many bad things in the world that happen, but in turn, so much good follows it. 

~Ellie xox
P.S. sorry for the sob story and looong post.

Our little arrival came early! *warning TMI*

Welcoming Baby Quinn C Noelle into the world; 

At 9:16am - 28th November 2015!

Where do I start? 

Well, it all began at 1:22am very early hours of Saturday morning I woke up feeling pretty uncomfortable I felt as if it was just Braxton Hicks contractions so I went to the bathroom as I thought it was brought on by a full bladder, but it didn't go away.. I couldn't go back to sleep so I went into the lounge with my pillows & made myself  'comfy' with my laptop but soon enough I couldn't distract myself and felt a moderate amount of pain in my lower back and occasionally in my stomach.

I kept needing the loo and kept changing my pants (TMI- I was just so weirded out by how damp I was) then at 3:22am I went to the bathroom again and lost my mucus plug also known as "bloody show".. I felt even more pain and called into the bedroom to Kurt - who was fast asleep and didn't realize I left the room, so we were both up by about half 4 in the morning. He was panicking asking if he should take me to the hospital - I wasn't 100% convinced I was far along enough to go to hospital and I could still breathe through most of the contractions, I didn't like sitting or laying and only standing or adopting the "doggy" position and rocking my hips helped. 

I had been to a midwife appointment on Friday 27th and she did say baby was head down and engaged but we couldn't have forseen that baby was really on the way already! I had only been to 1 parent class by this point with my mum and had booked myself for another appointment for the Sunday 29th, but little did I know i'd never need to be at that appointment! 

I waited it out and practiced my breathing and managed the pain all by myself and had a hot chocolate to keep me going as by this point at 5am I was feeling hungry and sick at the same time as well as having a bad tummy - apparently that's a very common sign something is happening! Kinda disgusting and painful as I felt contractions while going to the loo! Some people say having a cold a week before is a start sign too - which evidently I did have, I was supposed to get better and then have a flu and whopping cough injection, but that never happened because the baby was ready to come before I could get vaccinated! 

Anyway, I got the rest of my hospital bag ready and my pregnancy notes, baring in mind I didn't have a birth plan just yet or even an idea on how I wanted the birth to go or even which hospital I wanted to deliver at. All I knew was that I didn't want too many painkillers/relief and I was 80% sure I wanted to try a water birth! I had a choice of 2 hospitals 1 that was 10 mins away if I didn't want much intervention and this was midwife led care or the other hospital was 45mins away but had more facilities in case something happened and has a drs unit and emergency care.

We had a shower each by 6am and I felt a bit of relief from that but it wasn't enough, the contractions were coming on fast and very close together, we got into the car to go to the closest hospital and the journey was hell! The back contractions were so strong and sitting down whilst having pressure down on everything made me feel so uncomfortable - the pain I can only describe was the same intensity as when I had food poisoning! It's not as bad as some women make out or how it's portrayed on TV and movies! My experience was fast and I felt very in control the entire time - perhaps it's because I didn't fully believe what was going on! 

We got to the hospital and it took over half an hour to get from the car park to the MLU - not because of distance but because I was having very strong contractions and walking helped but I had to stop and lean on Kurt until they passed and continued to walk again. There's 2 flights of stairs to the unit and I remember nearly crying out saying "Oh you've got to be f*king kidding me, there's no lift here"... Much to Kurt's amusement!
I reached the top of the stairs to the ward and had to have my hand over my mouth to stop screaming out as finally the adrenaline kicking in and I did start to panic, we got into our room and I had no choice as strong and as quiet I had been all that time I couldn't help but scream and swear (with much apologizing to the midwife who saw me) She and Kurt were having to remind me to breath in for 3 and out for 5 and it worked but then the pain got too much and I wasn't making sense talking anymore and my legs felt like jelly! Kurt had to hold me up and communicate for me to the midwife. I do remember telling the midwife I did want gas and air and a water birth and they got that set up while the checked out how far I was. I remember her asking permission to check my cervix and my reply was yes get it over with but do I have to be on my back?! She handed the gas and air to me as I was in a lot of pain now and it was around 8:15am by this point. Kurt whispered in my air telling me I was 8-9cms dilated and they were ready for me to get undressed and get into the birth pool!

It felt so nice and warm and comforting and all this time I was having gas and air! With much screaming and swearing and apologizing I was doing well with pushing and I ended up having the midwife I saw on Friday helping me as well as another midwife on the unit. The midwife I saw on Friday couldn't believe how quick everything happened for me and laughed saying "oh no need for that next parenting class then"..
As I was feeling more and more pain I also felt the urge to push and bare down & with that comes the inevitable messy parts of childbirth - I do remember apologizing again "So sorry for the mess". My legs spread and feeling so hot and sweaty and uncomfortable and I was saying sorry - how many mothers are that polite?! I ended up adopting only 2 positions in the birth pool and all the way along Kurt was being very supportive and calm and I didn't particularly want to be touched but I did like him stroking my hair and talking calmly to me! 

By 9:16am the baby was born and put right on my chest straight away, Kurt saw that baby was a girl and told me, he was teary eyed while I felt so over-come and bewildered about what had just happened!
Let me tell you... The ring of fire is so REAL! The last few pushes your body slows right down and then all of a sudden with 2 pushes her head was out and her body just followed through! Her umbilical cord was a little short so as much as I wanted to keep the cord on her for longer, it was getting caught on the way out and Kurt had to cut the cord while she was in the water! Perfectly fine and healthy! We couldn't have asked for a better delivery, so quick and fairly calm and in some ways the perfect birth I had been wanting, but never knew I could have! Knowing your options and keeping calm and in control is the key, so many people told me that and I read that as well, It's a state of mind and the more relaxed ect you are the easier it is to push baby out with minimal/no complications!

We stayed in the hospital over night just to make sure that baby was okay and breast feeding fine! That was the longest night ever! I only had 2 hours sleep! I was still too wired! We went home on Sunday 29th at around 3ish in the afternoon! It took me 2 days for my head to catch up with my body, at 1st I didn't really love her and felt that it was all so fast for me to process - everyone had said the first born would be late and she would be difficult, but in reality it happened exactly as intended and I couldn't have asked for it to happen any other way! Once we got confident with one another especially with breast feeding, the bond literally grew over night and I fell hopelessly in love with her!

There's no point in beating around the bush with the story and making it out that it was easy/harder than it was in reality or missing out bits to "save face" because in the end most women experience childbirth of some description and it's not pretty. A stork doesn't drop off the baby - you have to work hard to get that baby out and although some women get complications of varying degrees,  the magnitude of feelings you get when you have your baby is indescribable and unfathomable. It's the highest form of a miracle. 

Hands down I would do it all again. 

Now for the fun part - the actual parenting...
You might wanna stick around on my blog for those...

Thanks for reading my VERY long, honest post!
~Ellie

How I was feeling.. 35-37 weeks Pregnant & counting...

  Afternoon you beautiful people!

I've only got HOW LONG left?! 

Am I REALLY doing this?!

I cannot express enough at how fast everything has gone! I've hit a few more milestones along my journey that includes the inevitable Braxton Hicks contractions - only brought on by a full bladder, which I didn't realize I had until I was sooo uncomfortable in bed & went to the bathroom. I was honestly bricking it, I NEVER suffered badly with period pains & apparently Braxton Hicks aren't meant to be painful, I think because my bladder was so full that's why it hurt. Every so often I feel butterfly type feelings further down my pelvis but nothing major..I was kinda panicking at the time thinking that if I couldn't handle Braxton Hicks then how the hell would I cope in real labor!!  

I've also been well into nesting, which is a good thing, sorting out rooms and cupboards and drawers, washing all the baby clothing and all the spare blankets ready for whatever occasion.. My poor washing machine is in over drive these days! We're also going to get a tumble dryer to help with all the loads of washing, as in winter time you can't be leaving clothes to naturally dry outside or indoors it'll take days and I'll run out of baby clothes. Not to mention the amount of clothes I'll be running out of of with all the mess.. Which I haven't quite got around to thinking about yet. I've had a few scary moments where I feel like I won't cope and that I'll just panic.. That's normal at this stage I guess. After all, everyone focuses on pregnancy that, no-one tells you what it's REALLY like to have a newborn, other than you'll be sleep deprived. No-one really talks in detail about what it's like.. Perhaps the truth is you just have to deal with it & you'll work it out, Kinda scary for me because I like to know everything, every possibility & every outcome so I can manage.. I've always been like that - how about any of you moms?!

I've been thinking more and more about my options for place of birth, who I want with me & how I'd prefer things to go.. I've been doing my research, but it's never the same. Even if you plan or not plan or plan not to plan, things happen that you'd never have thought of, or it goes worse/better than expected. Here's where I've fully welcomed all sorts of stories from women and everyone's experiences, it's good to know that everything is different, although that has its bad sides too because you can often feel like they are trying to persuade you into a certain route. Just keep a VERY open mind, that's the only way!

I've lost touch with a lot of friends & just people in general, I admit I've let it happen, but it's sad how people you'd thought would be there for you aren't anymore and don't really care - well, I wouldn't say that exactly but they've got their own lives, which I appreciate, but at the same time they don't appreciate how much energy you lose carrying a child and then on top of that worrying about things & preparing yourself, it's just that the only people that truly care & truly matter, stick around the most & for me it's been 2 friends and  mostly family, as you grow up you realize who's a good friend & who isn't. And the people who only went out with you or talked to you because you did it 1st no longer matter. I've found that so hard to come to terms with - I wouldn't say I was popular or anything but I used to have a wider group of friends before pregnancy. Harsh reality of growing up & then becoming a parent. Something most 20 year old's have no idea about. How did you guys feel?

Bump is growing tremendously, on schedule, not too much not too little. Overall I've excited, but there is a bit on reservation and nerves too - which is understandable! I've also FINALLY received my compression tights for my varicose veins. There was a few weeks where I didn't get anything, the midwife who suggested I get them seen to didn't finish off the form to fill in so I could get measured for the tights. They have to check the pulse in your feet, measure your ankles, calf and thighs - I had no idea they had to do that. And boy are they TIGHT!! It'll take me roughly 5 minutes to put them on, but it's so worth it, especially during the day, walking around ect & you take them off at night and keep your legs elevated. The nurse suggested for me to wear them even after pregnancy because of the blood flow and everything still changing that it's worth keeping it all under control - Did you moms have this too?

How is mum doing?
How far along:37 week 2days
Total weight: 9st 12lbs 
 Maternity clothing: 100% in maternity clothing.. Pj's are not fitting
Sleep: All over the place, it's uncomfortable now.
Best moments of the week: Hearing the baby's heartbeat & always feeling baby move.
Miss anything: Friends & leaving the house without feeling tired.
Cravings: Always into eating fruit.
Anything made you sick or nauseous: Nope been great so far
Gender: Not worried about gender.
Symptoms: A few Braxton Hicks and back pains
Belly button in or out: 100% Out! It hurts sometimes

Happy or Moody: Anxious & excited
Wedding rings on or off: Engagement ring is still on, perhaps I should take it off...

Thank you so much for reading my huge blog post again...
So much to share, such little time! I can only hope everything goes according to plan!
~Ellie xoxox