It's the most wonderful time of the year... (sort of!)

Good afternoon beautiful people!

I cannot express how much I'm looking forward to Christmas with my little family! But it's bitter sweet..

The only thing that would make me feel 100% complete would be having the chance to speak to my Dad again & tell him everything that has happened since he's been gone & see him react to being a grandpa.. Unfortunately my Dad passed away 4 years ago on Christmas Eve. It was the 1st year I'd not spent Christmas in South Wales with my family - I had taken up the offer to go to Abu Dhabi for Christmas with my boyfriend & we stayed with his family - At the time his Dad was working there & it seemed like an amazing opportunity.

 

(Above pics - Kurt & I, Kurt's 2 sisters & I, and the family Christmas tree)

I made plans with my family 2days before I flew out so I could open their presents to me in front of them & my Dad was there, but hadn't been well at all, he was getting on a bit..
(my parents are older parents, both in their 60's - my sister & brother are in their 30s, which makes me the youngest, mum had me when she was 40!!) 
He had few nasty falls and at the time he had broken his wrist being silly, trying to do jobs outside in the dark! My parents divorced when I was 9 years old, so our family dynamic was different..
Anyway, he wasn't well and left pretty early, but that was the only time I got to say goodbye to him - sometimes it doesn't feel real that I left him behind - he did insisted that I go on this trip and have a good time, little did I know I was emailing him for the last time and letting him know all what I got up to - I was away for 3 weeks in total and came back to the UK on the 27th of December... That was a horrible flight home.

In the mean time, My boyfriend, his parents and 2 sisters & I went out for Christmas dinner on the 25th, in an amazing hotel and it had so much food, everything you could think of.. There were so many decorations and Christmas trees and each table had Christmas crackers... It was sunny, so glamorous, but it didn't feel at all the same to me, no matter how fantastical it looked. We ate so much, drank a fair bit & when it was around 4pm UAE time me & Kurt decided to go back to his parents house, he was too hot & I was feeling homesick.

 (Above pics - Christmas dinner in the hotel, Kurt & I, & the most expensive Christmas tree of 2011 in the hotel lobby!)

I Skyped my family on Kurt laptop & the news came out..
Mum: Kurt, I want you to hold Ellie and love her and comfort her, okay?
Kurt: Sure I'm here, she's been wanting to get hold of you guys.
Me: Yeah mum I'm here, how's Christmas in Wales.. We've opened presents and had our food already.
*I was showing them some of the gifts I had & they played it cool*
*silence fell and something didn't seem right*
Me: what's the matter what's going on?
Mum: This is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you & your not even here...
Sister: Dad passed away, Elle. Tessa (my Dads gf) found him at his house.
*Uncontrolable sobbing and utter shock*
I knew deep down there was something not right and felt so bad I'd left them behind and kept telling Kurt before that "what if something happens to my dad and I'm not there" - he'd asked me a few month before to go with him to Abu Dhabi..

I couldn't have controlled what had happened, no-one could. My Dad was supposed to spend Christmas with his girlfriend and when she didn't hear from him like usual, for a goodnight phone call, she drove to the house and found him outside.The coroner had ruled that he could've technically passed away in the very early hours of the 23rd, but when he was found they wrote it was the 24th. His heart and lungs had stopped at the exact same time and that he didn't feel anything. The report said that even though he smoked since the age of 14, his lungs were in "good" condition, but his body couldn't cope with whatever & he collapsed. I feel sorry for his Girlfriend who found him (we keep in touch now, still) but she was in so much shock, she didn't believe it, she wrapped him up in a blanket and my sister called that night because that was also their scheduled night to talk on the phone & when his girlfriend answered so panicked muttering "Omg he's cold, he's outside, what do I do".. My sister drove to his house, only to find the police and ambulance everywhere.

This year will be incredibly different. We all, as a family mourn every year on the 24th, we all try to think of the positives of his life, but we find Christmas so different. Especially the 1st year he'd been gone. That was so hard.

(Above pic- Dads plaque - he was cremated, his ashes scattered at sea - he was a keen fisherman!)

Now, 4 years on, I'm engaged and a Mother & I've passed so many milestones unfortunately my Dad wasn't there to see it all happen.. I just hope that now my baby has come, that we all find peace and truly soak in the miracle that I have, rather than the deceased. I hope it to be a happier time rather than depressing...
My heart goes out to other peoples' families who've lost someone, important dates like birthdays' and Christmas will always be hard. The people who don't have a family at all or had to leave them behind in another country.. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

The one thing that pushes me on to think positively is that there is so many bad things in the world that happen, but in turn, so much good follows it. 

~Ellie xox
P.S. sorry for the sob story and looong post.